Bucket Lists: Grocery Shopping For The Living Dead, The End Of Madness, & Reasons Jessie Ledbetter Is Not A Colorado Rockies Fan

This is the prelude to the end of the Madness and quite possibly my current rash of gambling until the first Saturday in May – the second holiest day on my calendar behind Major League Baseball Opening Day. You can all have Christmas, it has never been all that great and for personal reasons unassociated with any religious debate, will until further notice serve as an unfriendly reminder of why nine out of ten people are garbage. Of course, my dream job has always been to be a garbage man. So it’s fitting perhaps that I’m up earlier than usual this morning taking out a little mental trash and preparing for more NCAA Basketball Tournament fallout.

The Church of the Sacred Bleeding Heart of Major League Baseball will not be the house of worship anytime soon for my dear friend who is currently residing in Colorado under the alias Jessie Ledbetter. Obviously, her name has been changed to protect her identity due to crimes committed against me during a rugby match we attended in Wales where she stole a still undetermined number of french fries from me while her counterpart, and my former wife, who I will call Mallory, used her comedic powers to distract me. As Keith David said in the timeless classic Men At Work,” you never touch another man’s fries.” But I digress.

Jessie’s plight of having to sit in traffic due to the location of her place of work in relation to Coors Field has caused her much distress it seems and has made her hate the game of baseball. Obviously, there was a time in this country when such statements would be considered treasonous and call for her immediate deportation to one of the many  baseball-free regions throughout the world, such as  Siberia, Wrigley Field or PNC Park in Pittsburgh. Jabs at mediocre franchises and fond memories of Soviet Russia aside, my frustrated friend’s work day commute has reminded me of a topic that I hadn’t planned on writing about, but had crossed my mind during Opening Day telecasts this past Thursday, March 31, 2011 – making Opening Day of Major League Baseball a National Holiday.

For those of you not on proverbial permanent vacation such as myself, which comes usually as a result of placing myself in bad situations, randomness, borderline sociopathic tendencies, and a low tolerance for bullshit, this newly recognized holiday would mean one more much deserved day away from the work day grind. Whether you were a fan of the game or not, all Americans would be free from the tyranny of clock punching in order to take themselves out to the ballgame, if they so chose to do so. For those of you non-conformists who pray to the gods of the NFL, have no fear for we here at the Church would lobby equally for the Monday following your holiest of days, the Super Bowl, to be equally recognized.

Legislation for Opening Day as a holiday would require the festivities to never again begin outside of continental United States as MLB has done in previous seasons shipping teams to Japan to play regular season games. The exception however would be if the schedule placed an American based team against the Toronto Blue Jays to start its regular season games . Secondly, no two teams would play the night before as the single game to start the season as seen in years past. All teams would begin on the same day. Futhermore, no teams would be scheduled an off day the day following Opening Day, also a common and somewhat ridiculous occurrence in recent years.

Schedule makers would also be required to place teams from cold weather climates as the away team in warm weather climates to begin the season. However a clause in this portion of the law to list teams exempt and of exception on a bi-annual basis due to their historical significance with regards to the game. For example, the Cincinnati Reds would not only never begin the season on the road in a warm weather climate, but would be the first game started on every Opening Day. This is due to their place as the first professional team in the annals of the sport and a return to what was once common practice at the start of a  Major League Baseball season. The New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs, Detroit Tigers, and St. Louis Cardinals, would be permitted to start their seasons at home every other year due to their lengthy history. All other teams without domes or located in the southern and western portions of the United States would be required to start play in such a location.

Baseball’s popularity has suffered over the years, so to have someone I know make a statement of their hatred of the game comes as no surprise really. Jessie’s not alone. From strikes to steroids, complaints of high salaries by fans in a horrible national economy to the  length of games in this instant gratification iPad world, the hatred goes beyond traffic jams in mountainous lands. So perhaps a bit of change wouldn’t hurt the games image, even if it’s something as simple as how and where the league begins the season – even if it’s just the dream of a baseball enthusiast preaching to the choir and via the internet in blog form.

Perhaps in our lifetimes, the past time will take its place once again as a more fan friendly, loved, and appreciated sport. Only time will tell. There are indeed many a thing  folks want to do and see  before they die, they’re called bucket lists. I personally have never had one, but whatever floats your boat. I think if your making a list and checking it twice of things you haven’t done yet that you’d like to do, you’re probably never going to do them. You don’t make lists you make it so. If you’re waiting to do things, but have no motion or emotion to support it, you’re already dead. The world’s full of zombies grocery shopping for a feast of sunshine and happy but lack the courage of their convictions.   I’ve always wanted to wager and win on a Kentucky Derby winner. Be a solider. Learn to play an instrument. Teach a class. Date a model.  Travel the world. Ride off into the sunset. Kiss the horse. Et cetera, et cetera. Been there, done all that. But what do I know? I was born with a silver shovel in my mouth. It’s also where I keep my foot from time to time. And I’m rambling again. It happens.

Moving on to The NCAA, and I’ll do this quickly as to avoid further long windedness, tonight I’m taking Butler over VCU along with Kentucky over UConn. VCU will finally turn back into the pumpkin and I’ve not yet learned my lesson regarding picking Kentucky – and thus far it’s not hurt me. Tonight we’ll see if Kentucky’s run and reign continues. I sure could use it.

Until next time….